Labor, Delivery, and Nursing.

Unfortunately he's formula fed because I wasn't able to nurse him. STOP. Just say, he's formula fed. That's it. Why can't I do that? Why can't I just say he's formula fed and leave it there? Instead when people ask if my son, Wesley, is also nursing or just taking bottles or ask if it's breast milk in the bottle, I go into a ten minute explanation of how hard I tried and make sure that person knows I am the best mother ever and tried everything I could but HAD to give up for my son's sake. When, lets be honest, I can guarantee I could've tried harder but it wasn't just for Wesley's sake. I was miserable.

The shortened version of my rambling story is that when I got to the hospital after realizing I was in labor, it was discovered that I had preeclampsia. I didn't realize quite what that meant because I was passing out in between contractions and could not focus on what they were telling me. Once I got my epidural I was able to focus more and was informed that I would be on an IV that kept my blood pressure down so that baby Wesley and I would both be safe and healthy during delivery. What I didn't realize was that I would remain on this IV for at least 24 hours after Wesley was born while they monitored my blood pressure. This also meant my breast milk wouldn't truly come in until the medication cleared out of my system.

Despite that, I tried to nurse Wesley any time he seemed hungry and we supplemented for the time being. I was in the hospital for a little over two and a half days and it wasn't until the morning before we left when Wesley first started to very hesitantly latch and even then still needed to be supplemented because he was barely getting any milk from me.

I had met with a lactation consultant, I drank the special tea and ate all the lactation cookies I could get my hands on. I was trying to nurse every two hours, then supplementing, then pumping, then cleaning everything up, just to start all over again. I barely slept and I wasn't even able to pump enough for Wesley. He was losing weight and I was reaching a breaking point. We had four appointments with his doctor in the first week home from the hospital due to the fact that he was slowly losing weight which is never a good thing for a tiny little newborn. Finally we just gave him a bottle, we had been finger feeding him, and I skipped trying to nurse for one feeding so I could get some rest. After waking up from the first four hour stretch of sleep I'd gotten in almost two weeks, I realized my husband had been right. This wasn't working, not for Wesley, not for me, not for my marriage or our happiness. I nursed Wesley a few more times, skipping feedings to slowly wean him off the little breast milk he was getting from me. The next few weeks of maternity leave were wonderful, I actually wanted to hold Wesley and bond with him. Up until that point I'd felt so exhausted with the hours I'd spent trying to nurse that the moment I was done I'd hand him off to Tristan or put him in his swing. I never wanted to just cuddle my baby.

I am so thankful for my mom and husband speaking so kindly to me through all of that experience and helping me see that something needed to change. It was not an easy decision, I still have doubts that I didn't do enough or that Wesley would've been happier or more bonded to me if I'd just been able to nurse, all of which are ridiculous thoughts. Whether you nurse, tube feed, or formula feed, it doesn't make you a better or worse mother. The decision my husband and I made together was the right one for our family in so many different ways. Wesley is a very healthy, happy, easy baby and I can guarantee when he's older he won't look back and love me less because he wasn't breastfed. That's not what he's going to remember, he's going to remember all the times Tristan and I spent with him just loving him and doing what we believe is best for him to give him the best life possible.

#Labor #Delivery #Pregnancy #Nursing #Mamalife