I am loved...

On May 10th, of 2016 I got in my van and headed to Meijer to pick up some groceries. I remember sitting in the parking lot going over what I needed and then suddenly feeling that I was finally going to get the tattoo I had been wanting for almost two years. So I ditched the grocery list and headed to Fish Ladder Tattoo in Old Town Lansing. I remember seeing the design drawn on to my side and double checking it before the artist actually started the tattoo and it got me thinking back on all the different things that had led me to getting this specific tattoo, and all the variations of it that I considered getting and know now I would have regretted any version but this one. My tattoo states, "I am loved", although to be fair many people think it says I am bored, ha!

When I first started thinking about this tattoo I was at a point in my life where I was starting to give up on God, things were definitely not going my way and I saw that as God not caring, which was not true at all. It was around the same time that I started dating my, now, ex boyfriend (we'll call him Voldemort). I fell madly in love, or at least thought I had, with this guy who seemed to be so perfect for me. Everything was great and happy in the beginning, as most relationships are, but then things started to change. Voldemort became more aggressive and manipulative, he would get annoyed when I wanted to spend time with him and I began to be angry with myself for being a "clingy girlfriend" or "too needy", I did NOT want to be a stereotype. So, I shut down all my feelings of rejection and decided that if he said he loved me, and I truly believed that, than this is what love looks like and I just need to adjust.

But the point of this tattoo, and this blog post, isn't about an awful ex and all the horrible experiences I went through while we dated (and even after we broke up).The point is this, I had decided I was broken before I even dated Voldemort because I had been hurt by a guy before him in a way I never thought I could heal from, and I didn't think I was able to be loved anymore. Then Voldemort came around and made me think I was experiencing love and while I wasn't perfectly happy all the time, or even the majority of the time, I just felt I needed to settle. I figured since I was so broken already, and felt abandoned by God, than who else would love me? No one. So I planned on getting "I am loved" in Arabic since Voldemort was Arab. I wanted it to represent him because in my head I figured, even if he leaves me (notice that in my head I just assumed he would be the one to leave because I thought I never could) than I'll have a lasting memory of the one time someone loved me.

Thankfully, through my family and close friends, my eyes were finally opened to the horribly toxic and abusive relationship I was in with Voldemort and I ended things. I started to feel God in my life again and got excited that maybe I could be loved, or at least love myself enough to be happy. So I planned on getting "I am loved" tattooed on my side, right near my heart, as a message to myself that even if no one else loved me, I loved myself enough to be happy. BUT I still didn't get the tattoo because I told myself long before that, if I ever got a tattoo I had to love the idea for at least a year before I get it ( I still follow this rule by the way).

I am so glad I have that rule, and that I stuck to it, because I kept growing. I kept learning more about God and about having comfort and rest in my identity in Him and not in myself. I realized that loving myself wasn't enough, and being loved by a guy wasn't the answer, the answer is finding truth in God and seeing that through my darkest days He was loving me and the moment I stopped turning my back on Him, I realized how joyful life could be. I learned that as long as I remember that I am loved by God, I don't need to seek out anyone else's approval or love, because I am content in my identity in Christ.

So, that day I planned to go grocery shopping, I instead got a permanent reminder that I am loved by God forever and that is all I need.

I do want to say this though: I was severely hurt by two relationships in my life, the last influences of those people in my life being in June of 2016, and I am still very much in the healing process. I would love to say my life is free of the pain they caused but it isn't. I am in counseling and am trying (even through things as silly as a blog) to process and reflect on what happened, how I can move forward, and constantly trying to seek God and His wisdom on how to grow and heal from those experiences.

A verse that has been very encouraging to me lately is Isaiah 41:10

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." NLT

#Tattoo